The strongest Ayahuasca experience I ever had

You have no idea how safe you are

”I am the light I see in others” — Liquid Bloom, Roots of the Earth

The night was warm, the air was full with the smell of the eucalyptus trees and buzzing with life. I was laying down on my yoga math, covered in blankets, trying to ignore the urge to puke. I took a deep and slow breath and I closed my eyes. Small spots of light were forming at the corner of my eyes, dancing inside of me. I focused on them, watching the patterns they were creating. They were beautiful. I felt happy. Everything was fine now.
Near me I could hear others tripping. One woman was crying, the man near me was singing for himself. Others were silent. I kept my attention on the dancing lights and on the surrounding sounds. I didn’t want to puke yet. I wanted to have a strong experience.
“I felt so much love”, somebody told me about her experience “that I never thought something like this can exist. Pure, totally, unconditionally love”.
I wanted that love. I wanted to know how is to be loved like that. I wanted to get rid of any self-doubts, all the memories, everything. “Please, please” I said — to me? To God? To Ayahuasca? — “ I want that love!”

And then it hit me: I barely had time to reach for the bucket. I started to shiver and vomit, wave after wave. I felt weak and a bit frightened — OK, more than a bit. “Why? Why I am doing this to myself? I just want to stop it.”
“You know why you do it.” It was and it was not a voice. More like a thought, or my internal voice, but what a presence! Calm, gentle yet determined. Are you going to fight me?
“No”, I answered. “But, please, be gentle!” She laughed. Then it started. I found myself in a giant wine. Three dimensional fractals were growing from me, and I was trying to observe all the details. Three dimensional fractals! I cannot even imagine them now, no matter how much I try.
I could not stay too much to any details. Anything was changing so fast. I started to lose my sense of self. I panicked. Then I remembered that fear can trigger bad trips, so I panicked even more.

“The shaman”, I thought: I need music. I need to ask him to sing something. I need to ask for help.” But I could not speak.
I gathered all my willpower: “I need help! I need help! Help!”
First it was a whisper. Then I said it louder. Finally, I was yelling.
Help!
Help!
Help!
I do not know how long I did that. But at one point another part of me said: “this feels soo good”. And it felt. It was first time in my life when I was allowing myself to ask for help. So freely, so helpless, so vulnerable. So healing… Something was shifting in me. A wound was closing. So I did it again. Stronger. It was not just me anymore. It felt like Life itself was asking for help.
“How strange… from whom is Life asking help?”
“From you!”
“But… but I am the one who needs help”…
She laughed again:

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SAFE YOU ARE!

Then, she started to show me my mind. Touching here and there. A thought. And another one… How I did not see that? Wow, this is soo true. But wait, it is more. O, now I understand why this is like it is… I was walking inside my mind like in an exhibition: a thought here, another there… that one was so brilliant, that one… haha… really?
It was a stretch after a stretch after a stretch. I felt shocked. Until then, I was proud of how open-minded I was. Was my mind so stiff?
She laughed again.

“I am teased by a plant… Ups, I did not want to sound like that. Sorry!” :)
“Look!” In front of me was a monster. I could not feel fear, anyway. I kept looking. I could not see anything, just that was enormous. And dark. And potentially dangerous.
“I am safe!”
“Yes, you are. Look here. She zoomed. I was seeing a detail. Dark, intricate, intoxicating beautiful. Something like dragonfly`s wing made from darkness.
Then everything changed again. I was seeing anything. I was anything. I was Life itself.
Slow, ecstatic flowing life and fast, hungry, hunting life. Growing, blooming, dying and re-birthing. And singing. What a song! If honey can sing, that would be the sound of it.
The fractals were gone now. Slowly, I had opened my eyes. Above me I saw the sky. The stars caught my attention and I knew again how babies see the world. There was pure awe. I now recall them as stars. Then… was mystery in full power. There was no need for words.
Just wonder. And peace.
I do not know how long I starred at them. Finally, I came back in the “real world”. I got up and headed for my tent.
I was gloriously tired.

I felt asleep in a split second. I woke up with a bird chirping on my tent.
I kept my eyes closed: “perfect! everything is perfect!”. It was not a thought. It was knowing.

Then we had our sharing circle. We spoke, we laughed, cried and hugged. Later we said good bye and left.

I went home a changed person. I keep forgetting the lessons I had. It is so easy to get caught in fear, pandemic and all. But when I am at my lowest, if I slow down a little bit I can hear:
“You have no idea how safe you are!”

Then I sigh, smile and say “Thank you!”

Maybe a day will come when I will remember this in every moment. Until then I keep meditate. :)