30+ Funny Non-Swearing Insults

How to insult/unfriend someone in style

Story Taller


Photo by W T on Unsplash

Have you ever had a moment when reading/hearing a rude comment you felt so triggered you could not avoid an argument? Or maybe it was the other way around, you said something (not necessarily rude) that offended someone?

I bet the answer is yes. This is a universal experience, there are not too many people who can escape this.

With all my love for Nonviolent Communication and all my meditation practice I constantly find myself triggered: men making fun of women being raped, parents bullying their children, people blaming Ukrainians for provoking Russia, and, consequently, starting the war…

I tend to see social media as a good way to practice compassion. It gives us this incredibly precious opportunity to stop and think before answering — a luxury we might not have in real-time interactions when we feel pressured to answer on-spot.

With this level of unfiltered hate, I encounter online those days my Zen-ish practice with social media is way harder and more challenging.

So I rely on another tool: sarcasm.

Here are my favorite ways to tell somebody to get lost:

  1. I am not insulting you. I am describing you.
  2. I would like to explain it to you but I do not have my colored crayons with me.
  3. Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  4. I am soo happy that I do know you personally.
  5. Oh, I didn’t realize you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
  6. If lying was a job, you would be a billionaire.
  7. You are such a teacher to me. Thank you for helping me to realize how blessed I am not to be around you.
  8. I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
  9. If you don’t want the answer, don't ask



Story Taller

Writer, Tantra therapist, and Laughter Yoga teacher. I love writing about life, love, and hope. I dream about starting a holistic retreat center in Portugal. 🙂